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Thank You For Reminding Me Why I Became a Protestant

Let me start off by stating that I grew up Catholic. My parents grew up Catholic and I’m pretty sure my parents’ parents grew up Catholic. I think it’s sufficient to say that since I grew up Catholic, I didn’t know anything about religion or the rules of the Catholic Church... or the Bible. If you thought that was just a stereotype of Catholicism, it’s not. I went to Sunday school, I had my Confirmation, but I can honestly say I knew nothing about Catholicism, except they kept asking me for money, their leaders kept getting caught touching little boys, and that I could do pretty much whatever I wanted as long as I went to confession and said a few Hail Marys and Our Fathers (Then I was under the assumption that I was completely absolved of all my sins). Add to that I was 17 and trying to find my own identity, so I left... On second thought, why did I leave? I had a pretty good deal working there!


This is all being said because a few Fridays ago, I was overtly reminded why I became a Protestant. By the way, Protestantism isn’t a religion. Technically it’s every religion that ISN’T Catholicism. Being a Protestant just means that you chose a different religion that Catholicism, hence the word ‘protest’ in Protestant. It means protesting the Catholic churches teaching, thank you Martin Luther… just a little nugget of random information for ya. It really had nothing to do with money, theology, education or molestation; actually it was the constant shame and guilt that was thrust (no pun intended) down on top of you from the leaders of the church. I honestly think that while someone is studying to become a priest of the Catholic Church there are specific courses in seminary that teach an up-and-coming priest how to be demeaning, belittling, degrading, humiliating and disgracing toward everyone that isn’t them.


The Story:


A few Fridays ago I was a second camera-man for a wedding. Shameless plug warning: If you want amazing photographs for any occasion (Wedding, Engagement, Anniversary, Pregnancy, New Baby, Family Photo Shoot, etc. [we'll travel, Jesse Medina I'm looking at you!]) contact Raw Canvas Photography [link]. The wedding was a traditional Catholic wedding which coincidentally enough was being held in a traditional Catholic church. I was told before the service that I couldn’t wear my hat in the Church, which reluctantly (mostly because of my hair, and only because of the couple that was getting married) I obliged. After the ceremony was over I exited the church to the foyer, promptly grabbed my hat and placed it back to its proper place atop my head. I was taking pictures of the receiving line and the guests exiting the church, once all the guests were outside the bride and groom asked if we could get some shots of them signing their marriage license. We followed them back into the sanctuary where we were greeted by the priest who performed the ceremony; well I should say everyone else was greeted but me. The priest had very specific words for me:


Priest: Only women, Jews and Bishops are allowed to wear a hat inside the church, do you fit into any of these categories?


About half way through this sentence I realized I was wearing my hat and quickly removed it and placed it on the nearest pew. The whole time I had every expletive blowing up in my head, because I knew I had just disrespected THE CATHOLIC CHURCH. History tells us that people have been killed for lesser transgressions against The Catholic Church. I was sweating bullets, plus I couldn’t tell if he (the priest) was trying to be funny or not. So I held back the comment I really wanted to say, “Actually I’m a Transsexual Hasidic Bishop, technically I should be wearing 3 hats!”


Me: I’m sorry. No sir, I don’t.


AS SOON AS THOSE WORDS LEFT MY MOUTH, I knew I was in for it. Being a seasoned Catholic veteran I had just forgot to say the ‘magic word’.


Priest: No, father.


Me: (tail between my legs) father.


I was waiting for him to pull out a yard stick from his robes and start hacking away at my knuckles for such insubordination. How many Hail Marys’ and Our Fathers was I in for, I was ready for him to ask God to strike me down right then and there… Luckily if I was struck by lightning I was surrounded by holy water, so hopefully someone would act quickly and put out the flames. However nothing more was said, but nothing more needed to be said. The priest had made his point and I was cowering below him, just as the Catholic Church wants. If that’s not an innuendo, I don’t know what is.


As crazy as it sounds this small 4 line conversation made me so thankful that I am never obligated to step foot into a Catholic church again. The meaning behind the words was unmistakable for me. I know that priests are to be respected and somewhat revered, but the fact remained that Catholics are Christians and I doubt this is what Christ would’ve said to me. There was no mercy or grace given in these words, and it made me feel shameful and guilty for what I had done. What HAD I done? I accidentally forgot that I was wearing a hat where I wasn’t supposed to, based on a churches rules that I may not have even known to begin with. It’s not like they were posting their rules like speed limit signs all over the foyer and the sanctuary. How would I have known? Thanks for the love Catholicism, I really feel it. I don’t like to make excuses, but I really wasn’t thinking about it, and this priest had to not only point out my mistake but parade me around like a fool.


Maybe I can buy an indulgence, or wrangle up thousands of my friends to go and kill off anyone who doesn’t believe what the Catholic Church teaches, or go to law school to become a defense attorney to fight all the molestation law suits against the Catholic Church, maybe that will help me make up for my mistake… but I’m not one to point out others mistakes.


I think I am going to make some pins and pass them out that say “I <3 Protestants” and make a shirt with Jesus standing in a boat with a very unruly sea around him and under the picture say “I rock the boat.” Let’s not forget that we are all going to live under one roof someday… $100,000 question: What would you have done?

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What Does It Mean If Bugs Ignore You?

Am I invisible?! Now I know how those kids who like Magic The Gathering felt in High School. I literally had a bug (A BIG BUG, like the size of a Cessna) fly into my face! I was walking out of the mall and I had just started going up the walk way when *BAM* it happened:


I saw it, it was like a ninja jumping from a pagoda with his sword drawn ready to disembowel me (to have some continuity with my previous simile, it would have been a ninja the size of a small plane) flying straight for my face! Let me tell you something, there are a barrage of thoughts that go through your mind when something like this happens to person. They are very similar to the 5 Stages of Grief:

1. Denial: there isn't a cadillac sized bug about to run into my face!

2. Anger: screw you bug! You ain't flying into my face!

3. Bargaining: I'll give you this shirt I just bought if you don't fly into my face.

4. Depression: I can't believe this bug is going to my into my face. Why me of all people?! Can life get any worse, I submit that it cannot!

5. Acceptance: all right, if this bug is going to hit me in the face I'm gonna take it like a man.


Ok, so those were EXACTLY the 5 stages of grief. I would be tempted to call up Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and ask if she could change her theory to "The 5 Stages of Grief & attacks from bugs the size of a Cessna" has a certain ring to it, no?


I would like to say that I went through all 5 stages quickly and effortlessly, but to no avail. The first 4 weren't a problem, and with my adrenaline pumping the world seemed to slow down and give me enough time to process each stage. When I got to stage 5 I hit "the wall". I knew I had to bust through and get to the other side to cone out with minimal physical and psychological damage.


However that didn't happen. I buckled... folded like an 18th century Chinese laundry service. I couldn't close, I thought to myself, this must be what Lebron felt like in the NBA Finals. I pulled a Buckner, but the bug didn't bounce through my legs... It hit me square in the face! AND, instead of sucking it up, taking it like a man and walking it off, I went into "fight or flight mode". What happened next I would like to chalk up to my even-keeled and balanced attitude because I chose neither fully fight or flight.


I went into evasive maneuvering!


Dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodge (thanks Patches O'Houlihan, who says you don't learn from Hollywood senseless comedy movies?!) So like I was saying: dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodge with a little scream/squeal/battle-cry and spinning pirouette. All this to say and it did nothing to prevent this bug from hitting me in the face. But it did probably give the elderly couple behind me something to talk about over dinner the next few nights.
AJ Teaters | 1 comment

The Hockey Gods

This whole hockey season was a wash for me. I live in Phoenix and I root for the Blackhawks. Both teams are not in the Stanley Cup Finals. No surprise for the Coyotes, and after this last season it was wishful thinking for the Hawks. So going into the Finals I was actually leaning toward Vancouver to win (since they never have in their 40 some odd years of their franchise). However I was torn because Boston hasn't had their names on the Cup since Bobby Orr played for them (if you don't know Hockey, educate yourself and Google Bobby Orr)... Nevertheless it's been a while.


HOWEVER, that mindset as changed after game 3. What is wrong with Vancouver?! After Burrows bit (yes, I said bit) Burgeron in game 1, and wasn't suspended, I had a slight change in heart. Not because he wasn't penalized, but because WHO BITES?! You have a problem on the ice, you drop the gloves and let your fists do the talking, not your teeth! Then in game 3 the late hit that Rome put on Horton was inexcusable! I hope the NHL suspends & fines him BIG! Rome easily could've paralyzed Horton, it was a blindsided late hit and Hortons head bounced off the ice. They had to cart Horton off the ice on a stretcher; at the 1st intermission they gave an update and said Horton had full movement of his extremities. Vancouver may be the #1 ranked team of the 2010-11 season but they're selfish immature punks. I'm glad the Bruins spanked them (8-1) in game 3! FYI THAT'S A BASEBALL SCORE, not a hockey score. 8 goals is practically unheard of. The Bruins scored their last 3 goal on 3 consecutive shots (that's amazing)!


I am an avid hockey fan and have my allegiances and favorites, but sorry Vancouver you just dropped to the bottom on my list. All I have to say is that the goal differential over the past 2 games is 12-1 Boston, and for the series it’s 14-5. GO BRUINS!


In the immortal words of Wayne Campbell (Wayne's World, 1992)"GAME ON!"

AJ Teaters | 2 comments

A McDonalds Metaphor

So this is what’s wrong with us (human beings), we try and fix everything on the outside. This isn’t a new idea or concept; I’m definitely not the Socrates of the modern age, but something caught my eye in the newspaper this week. “McDonald's revamps stores to look more upscale” an article by USA Today, talks about how McDonalds is remodeling and restructuring the image they present with their “stores”. Can I just say that this is the perfect metaphor for Americans? What better parallel than using a fast food chain that started in America to show just how messed up Americans are! Thanks McDonalds I knew I could count on you.


Here’s the skinny (or should I not use that word in relation to McDonalds), I guess it sounds better than here’s the fatty (that sounds like I’m referenecing drugs or porn O_o). Anyways, this is what McDonalds has released to the press about their upcoming plans (which they coin as “highlights”):


  • Redoing roofs. The bright red roofs that have topped McDonald's for several decades are getting the heave, replaced with flatter, more conventional roofs.

  • Muting paint. The neon yellows and reds common to the interiors and exteriors are becoming history, replaced with much more subtle oranges, reds, yellows and even greens.

  • Nixing fiberglass. The familiar fiberglass tables that have been a mainstay are being replaced mostly by wood.

  • Updating chairs. Those industrial steel chairs are giving way to wooden chairs, colorful stools and, in some cases, vinyl-covered chairs that resemble leather. Some stores will have larger lounge chairs similar to the kind you might expect to find in a coffee shop.

  • Doubling drive-throughs. To ease lines inside and outside stores, many locations are adding second drive-through windows to speed up service.

  • Splashing color. McDonald's hasn't junked it's familiar red and yellow colors altogether, but it is making them far less obvious. Instead of filling the restaurants with them, it's splashing bright yellow and red here and there for effect.

  • Junking the fluorescent look. Overhead fluorescent lights are being replaced with more contemporary lamps that make the lighting in stores look less like that of offices.

  • Dividing dining areas. The sea of tables and chairs is history in the remodeled stores. The new dining rooms are divided into separate eating zones for larger groups, eat-and-run customers and folks who want to stay and lounge.

  • Adding flat-screens TVs. Large, flat-screen TVs — some playing contemporary music — are showing up in many locations, though fewer than half of the remodeled stores will display them.

  • Erecting semi-swooshes. Curving across the top of the newly flattened roof is what McDonald's calls the yellow "brow" — or half of a golden arch. It's got the familiar, bright-yellow design but encased in a Nike swoosh-like arc.

All the article talks about is making McDonalds not look like a McDonalds. They are taking inspiration from Starbucks and Apple. They want their store to feel like a place you can hang out in after you eat the most processed and disgusting food on the market. They say that they are continuing to revamp the menu as well, but recent additions such as their 'oatmeal' (read more here) leave their decision making skills very suspect.


My whole thought process on this story is, "Why is Mcdonalds spending 1 billion dollars on giving their stores a face-lift when they should be overhauling their menu to be healthier?!" "Why are they fixing the outside when they should be fixing what's going on inside first?" "All companies care about is money, not the product they are producing or how it affects the general public." Hopefully I'm not too far off in my thought process. What I am hoping is that you readers would have thought the same thing when you picked up USA Today and saw this article. If you didn't, that's O.K., I'm here to tell you how to think.


To use this as a metaphor for (humans, specifically Americans) is quite simple... We try and fix our outside image to hid what is truly wrong with what is going on inside of us. We hate the way we look, and think that we would be better off if we have a better body, face, bigger boobs, smaller buns, tighter thighs, a six pack (abs, not beer), a different nose, different eyes, fuller lips, less wrinkles... transplants, implants, suction, tucking, banding, lasering, lifting and injecting! How's this for a final thought on the metaphor: When we eat Mcdonalds we are knowingly putting "poison" in our bodies, and when we inject Botox into our bodies we are knowingly putting "poison" in our bodies!

Excerpt From Article:


Her mom, Melanie, who also is a nurse, says she, too, likes the redesign but hopes it signals a redesign of something else at McDonald's: the food.


"I'm hoping," she says, while watching her crew of preteens down a tray-load of burgers, fries and soft drinks, "this means McDonald's will also be bringing in more fresh fruits."


This woman wants the redesign to help prompt a redesign of the food McDonalds serves. She knows it's bad, but she still has, "her crew of preteens down a tray-load of burgers, fries and soft-drinks." Wouldn't the best redesign for her be, to NOT go to McDonalds any more? Oh, I'm sorry that's probably too inconvenient nowadays.


This excerpt the attitude of 'us' in a nutshell, "I want change, but I hope someone else does it for me, or I'm too lazy to change."


Go America!


*No McDonalds workers were harmed in the publishing of this post.

AJ Teaters | 1 comment

8 Weeks Later

So, if you haven’t noticed I’ve been away for a little while. Not just from my blog (which seems to be the first thing to go when I get busy, which is better than eating or using the bathroom), but from all social networking. For those of you who did notice (all 2 of you) thank you, for those of you who had no idea I would appreciate a little more commitment.

Long story short, well more like long story abridged. I can never tell a short story. I am in Grad School right now for Professional Counseling, and for this past term (8 weeks) I was in a class entitled Intro to Addictions and Substance Abuse where my professor clearly explained that a dependency on anything: drugs, alcohol, sex, eating, etc. is basically a coping skill. When life gets hard, stressful, overwhelming, boring, overly stimulating, etc. one will turn to a coping skill to calm themselves down or escape for a period of time. What we discussed, at length, was the difference between a healthy dependency and a harmful one. Healthy = not harmful to you or others around you; Harmful = hurts you or other around you, both include physical and psychology damage.


So, unbeknownst to us (the entire class) had to give up one of their coping skills. I gave up social networking and creative writing. No writing, blogging, Facebook, Twitter or Tumblr. I basically gave up my creative outlet in the first hour of my class. My professor wanted us to know what it would feel like to have to live without one of our coping skills, so as we can be more empathetic to clients we may have that have a dependency issue. So for the past 8 weeks I have been “unplugged” from the social network.


I can honestly say it worked. I know that social networking is not drugs or alcohol (even though it is quickly growing to be an equivalent), but it did give me great insight into the mind, actions and excuses of a person with dependency. Throughout my class I heard excuses for relapse that could easily be substituted for drug and alcohol dependency or abuse. “I had a bad/stressful day,” or “My friends had some and I couldn’t say no,” or “I relapsed once, so I just didn’t care for the rest of the week.”


Over those 8 weeks the only thing that I missed was “knowing” what was going on in a world that only exists on Al Gore’s greatest invention… The Internet. I will admit that I had a couple days where they got pretty bad and I started jonesing for a hit of that sweet dark social mistress we call Facebook. I never went all psychedelic freak-out withdraw patient: sitting in a padded room chained to a bed, sweating, hallucinating, clawing at my skin, spitting at my PO and vomiting all over the place… I may have it would have been longer. To tell you the honest truth, outside of those few bad days I didn’t really miss it. I missed the creative outlet it warrants me and the communication I have with friends and family that I wouldn’t have otherwise, but I didn’t miss the gratuitous and unnecessary updates and comments. I didn’t miss the MIScommunication that inevitably happens when people either read too much or not enough into a comment you make and then you are defending yourself for the next week and a half. Those few bad days made me think about why I wanted to run to social networking so quickly. The only rational idea I could come up with (and remember I said rational not good) was that social networking, just like creative writing, is an escape into another world.


I am not implying that any of you should try this, but I did find it eye-opening. It took a lot more diligence that I thought, and I had no idea how much time I spent checking and updating my social network sites.

SIDE NOTE:
I think this post would’ve been better if I would have given social networking a bad ass street name, like “Chuck Cheese” or “Tap Dance” (shorten as you see fit or when the PO’s start to understand our slang), then we can call the people that are dependent on social networking “posters”. I’m open to suggestions, hit me up with any ideas you have to give social networking a little more street cred.
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