The Passing

AJ Teaters

The Passing

This post was originally supposed to be about Michael Jackson (The King of Pop); how he was so influential, his philanthropy, his escapades... (*voice trails off*) I do owe some people a joke that voted for it on my facebook so... "The coroner found Micheal Jackson's To-Do list in his pants pocket during the autopsy. The coroner was confused because the only thing written on the list were the names of boys from Michael Jackson's neighborhood!" PA-ZING!

Slight digression, Billy Mays a true American Icon died at 50 just a few short days after MJ. To compare these two men in the same sentence is an abomination, borderline sacrilegious. I argue that MJ had no where near the influence and power of Billy Mays. Billy Mays has been and will be one of my favorite people in the entire world. His fervor for useless consumer products model the stereotypic American Lifestyle: What can I buy that 1) Doesn't cost a lot of money 2) Will get the job done with minimal effort on my part 3) Fix my dumbass mistakes. Those 3 steps answer the American Dream and that's what Billy Mays was selling.

I, no lie, grew up with Billy Mays. He was my late night BFF. Ask my parents about how on the weekend mornings during JR. High and High School I would tell them of the next amazing (no pun intended) product that I saw on TV at ,of course, 2:30am. Oxiclean, Orange Glo, Hercules Hooks, the Awesome Auger, Kaboom, Big City Sliders and my favorite of all time ESPN360.com; each of the these products were talked about in length over the weekend breakfast table. Not just how amazing they were, but also the incredibly cheap cost! How could you turn down a deal that Super Sized your tub of Oxiclean to 6 lbs and included a spray bottle, super shamy and Orange Clean spray all for only $19.95! And if the price didn't get you Billy Mays did. You can't say, "NO" to that man (insert sexist joke here).

What kills me (also no pun intended) is that the cause of death is being ruled heart failure. He was only 50 and the medical examiner is saying it was most likely a heart attack in his sleep that lead to his death. This is where things get strange... I always pictured the "infomerical/pitchman" business to be a pretty close-knit fraternity. So my question is why wasn't Billy Mays in better health? Didn't he rub elbow with Tony Little, Suzanne Sommers, Richard Simmons?! He didn't have a Gazelle, a ThighMaster, Sweatin' to the Oldies DVD's?! No Bender Ball, Ab Rocker, P90X or Crunchless Abs? Nothing resembling a Bow-Flex?!

Billy you will be missed; the infomerical realm has lost its king and no one is good enough to replace you on the thrown. We mourn this unfathomable loss.

Don't just get it clean, get it Oxiclean.