AJ Teaters | 1 comment

Professional Professonals Practicing Their Professions

On a recent trip to California I was driving down a street in Westminster and I couldn't help but stare at all the odd signs (mostly because I was going through a small section of the town that is almost primarily made up of Vietnamese restaurants). Before I continue I think I have to address the elephant in the post... Yes I said I was driving, and yes I know that wasn't a good choice to stare at signs whilst driving (it was for the sake of comedy people!). So here I am driving down the road trying to phonetically pronounce all the Vietnamese restaurant names (some favorites were: Cafe Dang Sucks, Pho Thang Long, Co La, Pholicious, Photastic, and as an FYI "Pho" is phonetically pronounced "Fuh")

As a quick aside, some names that I would like to see (if they're not out there already) are: Pho Sho, Pho Shizzle, Elmer Phod, Mo Pho and I pity the Pho.

I'm veering a little this way and that when I see a sign that really caught my attention. The sign simply read, "Professional Pharmacy". After seeing this I simply thought, "Who would want to go into an 'Amateur Pharamcy'?!" That got me thinking, there are just some jobs that you DO NOT want the word "amateur" in front of.

Listed in no particular order below are, "Jobs that are NOT okay to have the word 'AMATEUR' in front of":

Tattoo Artist
  • At no point do I want an amateur permanently drawing something on my body. It could turn out like these:
 
Teacher
  • Just imagine you get to your child's Open House and the teacher hands you his/her business card and it says:


Mechanic
  • A conversation you do not want to be a part of:
You:
"My car has been making this funny clunking sound when I go faster than 50 mph, can you take a look at it and see what's wrong?"

Mechanic:
"Sure, you want me to check your radiation fluid and how well your terminator is keeping your battery charged too?"
Dentist
  • Seeing the dentist take a hit of the "laughing gas" is the last thing you want to be thinking about before he/she starts drilling.

Financial Advisor
  • If you walk up to your Advisors office and see this:


Proctologist
  • I doubt I need to elaborate on this one. If a proctologist says, "I don't know heads from tails," and doesn't mean it as a joke you may want to ask for a referral.

I will leave you with this simple nugget of wisdom on this subject:

The word "amateur" is for a hobby (i.e. artist, comedian, hunter, gambler, etc. it's okay to be an amateur in these subjects), however if you study something and make it your "profession" then you being a "professional" is implied. I don't need to know you're a professional doctor or a professional lawyer, I can safely assume that you are. This coming from an amateur blogger...
    AJ Teaters | 5 comments

    10 T-Shirts 40+ Year Old Men Should Not Wear

    I have recently come to the conclusion that there are some t-shirts 40+ year old men should not wear. I know there are many different articles of clothing that 40+ year old men should not wear, I think those are implied and/or readily known (i.e. cut off shorts, skinny jeans, anything with glitter or rhinestones, leather pants, a collared shirt that has more than 2 buttons undone, a low cut v-neck shirt, socks with sandals, [of course] Speedos, etc.) Obviously that is just a small sample of a list that can take days to compile, however notice that when the thought of "what 40+ year old men should not wear" comes up we have at least 5-7 articles of clothing that we can easily rattle off like a list of our favorite movies or food. However the quintessential article of clothing hanging or folded in any middle-aged mans closet is the T-Shirt. This is a staple of any 40+ year old mans wardrobe; I would dare to say a necessity to daily life, like oxygen or their Maxim Magazine subscription. But here comes the twist, there are some t-shirts (1) a 40+ year old man should not own, and more importantly (2) SHOULD NOT WEAR! Refer to the list of examples and explanations:

    10. Any t-shirt that has to do with ANGRY BIRDS. All this shirt does is scream I pay more attention to my smart phone than trying to get a date. *Ding* your match.com app just sent you a message, you better pause ANGRY BIRDS and check it out.


    9. Any t-shirt that has to do with farting or pooping. We know that you may be proud and secure with your bodily functions at your age, but we're not. I'm glad you're not constipated, I just would rather you not put it on your t-shirt. (I'm most impressed that the fart t-shirt comes in 21 colours!)


    8. Any t-shirt that has to do with STDs. Regardless if it's the best seafood you have ever had in your life, it never warrants buying and wearing a t-shirt that makes people think you have an STD.

     

    7. Stud Muffin or "I Brought Sexy Back". Let's just leave it at, if you have to declare this on your shirt you aren't and you didn't.


    6. "Lick 'em Don't Bite 'em". I know that this is a common reference to Blow Pops, but what 40+ year old man still eats Blow Pops?! The last thought I want in my mind is thinking about what he wants licked and not bit, because we all know it ain't a Blow Pop!


    5. T-shirts with text talk on them. OMG! its bad enuf that u try 2 txt like a tween, u dont have 2 promo it on ur T 2! I bet u dont even no what it means n e ways.


    4. "That's What She Said!" If you're old enough to say, "Adam West was the best Batman because he was the ORIGINAL; he was OG!" You aren't allowed to say, "That's what she said!" You're also not allowed to wear a t-shirt that says it either. And don't say "OG" either, even if you know what it means.


    3. "Who's Your Daddy?" Do I even need to explain why a 40+ year old man should not own, wear or even have the thought cross his mind about buying this t-shirt? 4 words: TO CATCH A PREDATOR!


    2. "Beer Pong King". First and foremost let me try and let you down easy, YOU'RE NOT IN HIGH SCHOOL OR COLLEGE ANYMORE! Second, at what point did you think it a good idea to advertise your love of high school/frat party drinking games and alcohol? The one thing this t-shirt screams louder than AA is DUI!


    1. "The Man, The Legend". There is a short list of 40+ year old men allowed to wear this t-shirt: Hugh Hefner, Ron Jeremy and Bill Clinton. If you are not on this list, then you don't get to wear this t-shirt... Simple enough.


    Regardless of whether or not this information will be put to good use, it's out there. Tell your friends, tell your dads and tell your friends' dads!

    AJ Teaters | No comment yet

    Cat Burrito

    A question was recently posed to me, by myself, after visiting a tiny (I'm talking like 3 booths and a table) Mexican food establishment, and both figuratively and literally inhaling one of the most delicious burritos I have ever had. I say literally because I accidentally swallowed a bean whole and gagged myself about half way through gorging myself on this Tortilla wrapped manna from heaven! It was like Moses himself came down and used his staff to strike this restaurant, and had God produce this food for me in my time of need! Seriously people it was a religious experience, closest I have ever come to God, Jesus spoke to me and I was given the gift of eating in tongues. That's the gift when you can taste every ingredient in every bite (that may not be biblical, but it should be) . Let's just say that if Jesus ate this burrito he would've wept (that is biblical, John 11:35*)


    *It's said (in some commentary's) that Jesus wept to show his piety and sympathy to those who had just lost a loved one, but if I use the context of my burrito situation; Jesus and I would be weeping together over the ferociously amazing awesomeness of this burrito.


    Sorry for the digression, but you really need to understand how good this burrito was to understand my thought process. So, whilst eating this burrito* (I'm just going to put an asterisk by the word burrito to denote BEST BURRITO EVER for the rest of the this post). A very VERY random thought popped into my head. I thought, "I know they said this was pork, but what if it was cat meat?! It totally could be, and I would have no idea... Would I still eat it if it were cat?" I thought about it for a second, took another delicious bite of cat or pork or whatever it was, and then answered my own question, "YES, YES I WOULD!"

    • If I ate that burrito* and didn't know it was cat, and then was given another... I would eat it.
    • If I ate that burrito* and didn't know it was cat, I would order them for all my friends and make them eat them, wait until they were done and then tell them it was cat!
    • If I ate that burrito* and didn't know it was cat, and then found out it was cat; I would make a t-shirt that says, "I <3 Cat Burritos" and not wear it as a joke.
    • If I ate that burrito* and didn't know it was cat, I would order it again (and call it by it's true name "El Gato Magnifico")
    This all being said (and my apparent new "cat-burrito" eating persona) the big question is, "Why do bad things entice people?" Things like: food so good you don't care what it's made from, movies like Howard the Duck or Battlefield Earth, watching Golf and/or tennis, or Stephanie Meyers books. I chalk it up to the "car accident phenomenon". We do it because we can't look away.
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