From the beginning of history wives have been giving their husbands responsibilities that THE WORLD knows they should not be given. There is no escape, as a husband you have to be thrust into situations where you have no idea what to do. I am part of the MacGyver generation, and I try to embody his instinctive thinking. The only way to survive is to have a plan, recognize the situation and use your resources.
What I have recently devised is a quick reference survival guide for husbands. It's a way to help you when you are in those desperate times when your wife puts you into an impossible scenario. Your mouth goes dry, your palms start to sweat and all hope seems lost... Lock & Load!
Quick Reference Survival Guide:
Section 1:
Dinner
What do you do if the wife leaves you with nothing but your wits and a note that says, "You're in charge of dinner tonight."
I know your first thought is, "What's in the freezer? Fish sticks, lasagna, waffles... I'm seriously debating just serving my kids ice cream for dinner... A scoop of vanilla ice cream, sprinkle of Cheerios and we're golden, right?!" Trust me, I was raised on this philosophy. I can't tell you how many fish sticks I ate as a kid, or Salisbury Steak and rice. But the one dinner my dad could whip up on the spot that had us kids cleaning our plates was BREAKFAST FOR DINNER.
I'm not talking about pancakes or waffles, not even french toast... Do you capitalize the "F" in french? I don't think it's been earned, so I'll go with no (stinkin' French). Digression aside, this meal is nothing to throw your blood, sweat and tears into. Don't frustrate yourself with endless mixing, dredging, pouring, burning, flipping, cursing and screaming; eventually ending with you throwing a frying pan across the kitchen.
Keep it simple and delicious. Grab eggs, veggies and cheese; chop veggies; scramble eggs; mix eggs and veggies; cook; top with cheese.
Section 2:
Fashion
I can't count the number of times I have been put in the situation where my wife asks me which outfit she should wear. "This one or this one?" is one of the most dreaded questions in the marriage gamut. Stone cold, frozen in fear, mind racing, "What am I supposed to say... How do I choose... The red dress or the blue dress... red or blue... RED OR BLUE?!"
Husbands know this, "
IT DOESN'T MATTER!" which ever outfit you pick she will find some reason to pick the one she really wanted.
Scenario 1: You pick the red dress, but she really wanted the blue. She'll find something wrong with the red dress and wear the blue anyways.
Scenario 2: You pick the red dress, and she really wanted to wear the red. She'll congratulate you on being a good judge of fashion and you'll feel awesome until the next time you have to pick out an outfit and this will happen all over again.
To save yourself the trouble don't think, just pick because she'll end up wearing the one she wants anyway. If she asks why you like the one you picked, escape plan Alpha* must be adhered to.
*Alpha: Just say, "Because it shows off how sexy you are, and all the other girls will be jealous."
Section 3:
Laundry
At some point in marriage you will be handed the most anxiety-ridden, dire, dreadful, and terrifying responsibility of doing the laundry. Let me tell you now that this is where all other survival tactics are thrown out the window, and if at all possible FAKE YOUR OWN DEATH! That is priority #1, if you can get a hold of a life-size replica dummy of yourself and have it readily accessible at all times in case this scenario presents itself. However if you can't get a life-size dummy replica you may want to read on.
There are worse things you can mess up in the laundry than the red sock with the white clothing. Trust me I have done them, and sadly I have done them more than once.
What I have learned in my small time living with a female who is very particular about fashion and her clothing is that each article of clothing has its own "washing instructions" completely apart from the ones listed on the tags... AND, everything changes once they're pregnant! Before I couldn't dry anything because it would make it too tight or too small, but once my wife was pregnant and wanted to show off her baby bump or the fact that maternity skinny-jeans aren't skinny enough, so I had to dry everything. So I went from drying nothing to drying everything, then after the baby, back to drying nothing. So take that 8 page instruction manual that your wife leaves you on how to do the laundry and use it to build a signal fire and in a few minutes I will air drop you this: my "laundry list."
Now, thanks to the (pun intended) wishy-washy laundry procedures around the house, I have 8 simple rules I follow (
NO EXCEPTIONS, NO EXCUSES):
The first rule of Laundry Time is: Do not dry the laundry.
The second rule of Laundry Time is: DO NOT dry the laundry.
Rule 3: If the spin cycle stops, soap is gone, clothes are wet the laundry is done.
Rule 4: Only 2 towels per load.
Rule 5: Only one load at a time.
Rule 6: No wool, no shoes
Rule 7: Laundry will dry as long as it has to
Rule 8: If this is your first time at Laundry, you have to air dry.
I recommend using soap from the Paper Street Soap Co. for all your laundry needs.
Ending note: This is an on-going survival situation, and I will not let you down. This will be an on-going series so look for the next update with the next 3 tips.
I am a 6th grade teacher, so I am around all kinds of stink for at least 8 hours a day on a 5 day a week basis. Also, let's not forget that I am a dad of 3 (an almost 4 year-old, an almost 3 year-old and an 8 month old) so I am pretty much living in some type of situational stink for 12-14 hours everyday. It's no wonder I keep my desk surrounded by enough air fresheners to supply a NY cabbie for a year. Semantics aside, all I know is that those little kids don't smell anywhere as bad as one would think, but WHY?!
