AJ Teaters | 6 comments

Rules to Live By

I have been a teacher for almost 5 years now and for the entirety of this time ONE thing has bothered me more than anything else. I have developed the BIGGEST pet-peeve of my whole life simply from working with students ages 5-12. You would think it was something huge like irresponsibility or disrespect, possibly theft or apathy (trust me apathy is second to this)... However most all of these pail in comparison to the #1.

Made up 4-Square rules!

It honestly frustrates me to no end. Hearing these kids rattle off rules that make no sense to actually playing the game (list will follow). It seems less like a game of 4-square and more like a imagination/creative writing contest. Here is a list of all the "rules" I have heard over the past 4 1/4 years:

4-Square Rules (listed in no particular order):
  1. Aces
  2. Fisties
  3. Key lock
  4. 10 second ninjas
  5. Cherry bombs
  6. Shoe shiner
  7. Electric chair
  8. Double Hits
  9. 2 second holds
  10. Snake eyes
  11. *Water slides
  12. *Batman and Robin
  13. *Stamps
  14. *Claps
  15. *Holidays
  16. *Bouncies
  17. *Gummies
  18. *Spits
  19. *Tweakers
  20. *Bahama Mamas
  21. *William Tell
  22. *Helicopter
  23. *Dragon Claw
  24. *Merlins Beard
  25. *BBQ Sauce
  26. *Telephone
  27. *Credit Card
Then it got weird:
  1. **Debt Ceiling
  2. **Head Shots
  3. **Porn Stars
  4. **Opium Den
  5. **One-Night Stands
  6. **JFK Assassination
  7. **Holocaust
* = Strange
** = Outrageously weird

Once the 1st graders started calling out "Porn Stars" and "Holocaust" I had to put a stop to the insanity! To tell you the truth, all the ones with asterisks I've never actually heard... but I wouldn't be surprised if I did one day! If you asked me to tell you what a Bahama Mama is I couldn't tell you (even if it were real to begin with). And this is my point, these rules are so crazy and bizarre that it doesn't matter that I can't keep up because I don't play with those rules.

Kids nowadays have no sense of history, and if it takes teaching them the original rules to 4-square to instill some heritage into their otherwise insignificant lives then I will carry that torch!

The scariest thing about this whole phenomenon is what I experienced just a year ago.

I was scheduled for recess duty (watching to make sure none of the little angels killed each other) on one of the first days of school when I happened to over hear the rules of a 4 square game being recited to a group of 3rd graders. The boy who was in the "king" position rattled off like 5 or 6 rules, "No cherry bombs, snake eyes or fisties, holds and double hits are allowed, and king can't get out on serve." The reason that this otherwise normal event caught my attention was because I knew that there were "new kids" playing and I was interested to see how they questioned what these "rules" were. To my immediate and bewildered amazement the "new kids" didn't question the "rules" they were told. THEY KNEW THE RULES! It was like some crazy religious cult or a fruity hippie commune (They were all drinking the kool-aid). I have been to other schools and witnessed the same thing... Teachers and parents be forewarned; keep a vigilant watch over this infectious mindset. If we don't instill a foundation of classic playground game rules, the catastrophic possibilities are endless!

Example:
Dr. Ray Stantz: What he means is Old Testament, Mr. Mayor, real wrath of God type stuff.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Exactly.
Dr. Ray Stantz: Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies! Rivers and seas boiling!
Dr. Egon Spengler: Forty years of darkness! Earthquakes, volcanoes...
Winston Zeddemore: The dead rising from the grave!
Dr. Peter Venkman: Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together... mass hysteria! 

(I've been waiting to use a Ghostbusters reference for a while now... But honestly, when is Ghostbusters not applicable to real-life situations?!)

I can't describe the shock, this went from epidemic to pandemic in a matter of a few short words over the course of a few short seconds! Regardless of the insurmountable circumstances, of overcoming this widespread horror I will take up the torch of slaying this infectious tribulation! Who's with me?!
AJ Teaters | 3 comments

3 Things: Thing 3

I remember a time, not too long ago when boys and girls were allowed to talk to each other without fear of being labeled "a couple".

I have a dream where this is a possibility again. I have a dream where teenage boys and teenage girls will not be pressured into an unnecessary relationship. I have a dream where relationship status updates will have a "dating" option. I have a dream where peer pressure, perception and society will not rule the relationships of our Tweens and Teens. I have a dream that this fine nation will one day see the abolishment of co-dependent, no-dependent alliances between boys and girls. I have a dream that "dating" will one day resurface as a time where people get to know each other and not a time where others define their relationship for them. I HAVE A DREAM!

Where did this come from? Recently I have noticed that like-minded teens are throwing around a very 19th century term, "courting". First let me preface this with the fact that I'm not that old, regardless of what the teenagers say. I remember when (yeah that made me sound old, but is there a better way to produce a flashback in writing) I was in high school I "dated" girls, (I also walked to school uphill... both ways... in the snow... without shoes... while rabid neighborhood dogs chewed off my toes... carrying a huge metal pole during a lightning storm... yes it can lightning during a snow storm... then I had to cross a bed of hot coals to enter all my classrooms... my teachers would scald us with hot tar if we answered a question wrong... whilst sticking rocks in our mouths to help us with our pronunciation...) nevertheless I "dated" girls. My whole concept of dating was to get to know girls that I found attractive for whatever reason I did (physical, intellectual, personality, etc.) What I was looking for were things that I found desireable, not necessarily looking for someone I was going to marry, but looking for characteristics that I would want in someone that I would marry.


This is the major difference I see in courtship and dating:

Courtship:
If you're going to court you might as well dress the part
  1. strictly supervised by a parent or approved chaperone at all times
  2. speaking is limited to correspondence
  3. high collars and long dresses
  4. positioning a your fan the right way (Funny Post for further fan flirting reading)
  5. lacking trust
Dating:
  1. unsupervised time to get to know the 'real' person
  2. speaking can be done in person, text, phone, facebook, twitter, tumblr (not MySpace, that's where all the whores are!)
  3. normal clothes
  4. no fans
  5. parental trust
I can see why there is such a giant swing back to courtship, a few too many teenage pregnancies will sour anybody's punch bowl, but if kids nowadays actually "dated" they would be better off. All I know is that the common perception associated with dating is this conversation:

Moron teenager 1: "Hey did you hear Xander and Bella are dating?"

Moron teenager 2: "Really?! I knew they liked each other, but now they're together?"

Moron teenager 1: "Yep, totally and exclusively each others. They're both off the market."

Moron teenager 2: "Huh... Wonder what they're gonna name their kids?"

Teenagers are already under the impression that they are in a committed "adult" relationship because they used the word dating, therefore they can handle everything that goes along with that type of relationship. Obviously the only thing that comes to mind is  
 SEX
So what we need is a better value associated with dating. It's not meant to be an orgy of sex, drugs and rock n' roll. From my understanding it's supposed to be a time where 2 people can get to know each other without the piano of marriage hanging over their heads.

  
STOP HATING ON DATING.



AJ Teaters | 2 comments

3 Things: Thing 2

My last post introduced a series that I was going to write on called "3 Things" each thing I was going to talk about caught my attention some way or another in the past few weeks. The first was the crazy resemblance of Vortex Beer Bottles and Twisted Pleasure Condoms. Why a marketing department would want an inherently manly product to have such a strong phallic persona is still beyond my comprehension. The second thing that has recently peeked my interest is what I refer to as "The Sickly Sweetness".

I am a 6th grade teacher, so I am around all kinds of stink for at least 8 hours a day on a 5 day a week basis. Also, let's not forget that I am a dad of 3 (an almost 4 year-old, an almost 3 year-old and an 8 month old) so I am pretty much living in some type of situational stink for 12-14 hours everyday. It's no wonder I keep my desk surrounded by enough air fresheners to supply a NY cabbie for a year. Semantics aside, all I know is that those little kids don't smell anywhere as bad as one would think, but WHY?!


I was walking down the hallway that houses our school bathrooms when a grip (that's somewhere between 15-20, I can never keep track of them long enough to get an accurate head count) kindergarteners were standing, as patiently as they could, waiting to use the bathroom. I think I have to preface this with the fact that these lil' biscuits just came in from recess; running around in the 100+ degree heat, playing tether-ball, tag, and 4-square. They were drenched, head-to-toe, one of those "did they just run through the sprinklers" looks. At this point I wished that I had a bubble to crawl into, one of those inflatable "nothing-in/nothing-out" type of deals. They were so close, their little sweaty hands reaching out to me, their egocentric heads shaking their sweat drenched hair spraying beads of perspiration all over EVERYTHING! But I noticed something... They didn't stink! Well they did, but not in the way I thought.


Little kid B.O. was "Sickly Sweet" it was like someone had shoved candy under their armpits. I can't explain the phenomenon, it just is. It's like a mystery of nature, something that only Dan Brown could write about and Robert Langdon could solve. I don't know why I never noticed it before, I have 2 toddler boys that do nothing but find ways to make themselves sweaty. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I walk past sweaty little kids and want to lick them or top my ice-cream sundae with them (This ain't Grimm's Fairy Tales), but I think it does have to be noted that kids smell like they came straight out of Willy Wonka's factory when they get sweaty. Like some insane Oompa Loompa filled their sweat glands with candy, come on Willy Wonka had crazier ideas...


It may just be me but it begs the question, "What do you think little kid B.O. smells like?"
AJ Teaters | No comment yet

3 Things

There are a lot of things in the world that I don't understand; quantum physics, women and what exactly a tootsie roll is (to name a few), but recently there have been 3 that I have wanted to discuss.

  1. Why a beer bottle looks like a condom
  2. Little kid B.O.
  3. Where did "dating" go?

Thing 1:
Recently I've been watching this new invention called "television" and I've noticed that in-between the shows there are these moving advertisements called "commercials"... Seriously though, I've been seeing commercials lately that make me say, "Why did they [insert company name here] need to do that?!" a few examples: 5 blades on a razor (that also vibrates), (the epitome of lazy) wheeled backpacks, (the one I still haven't figured out the reason for, except maybe its a feature on Ford's new "stalker package") Facebook status updates in a car. But I can excuse all those products in loo of the most recent conundrum, the Vortex Beer Bottle. As far as I know beer is a product that, for it's existence, has been marketed toward males (predominantly). So for what reason would you (marketing department) need to "improve" on the already perfect form of a beer bottle, and make it look like a recently developed pleasure inducing condom?!


Exhibit A:



Exhibit B:



Exhibit C:



Therefore A + B = C (where C = GAY!)

Putting a beer bottle to your lips (as a man) is already border-line homosexual. I still haven't figured out a masculine way to drink anything out of a bottle, use a straw or eat a banana. To quote a recent movie "Will you take that straw out of your mouth? It looks like you have a schlautzen in your mouth." Seriously guys get a glass and pour it; don't put this beer bottle to your lips!

I'll keep this short, I'm sure some of you have to run out and buy a beer mug soon, Miller Brewing Company WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?! Condoms and Beer go together... but not like this!
AJ Teaters | 2 comments

The Quick Thinking Husbands Survival Guide: Part 1

From the beginning of history wives have been giving their husbands responsibilities that THE WORLD knows they should not be given. There is no escape, as a husband you have to be thrust into situations where you have no idea what to do. I am part of the MacGyver generation, and I try to embody his instinctive thinking. The only way to survive is to have a plan, recognize the situation and use your resources.

What I have recently devised is a quick reference survival guide for husbands. It's a way to help you when you are in those desperate times when your wife puts you into an impossible scenario. Your mouth goes dry, your palms start to sweat and all hope seems lost... Lock & Load!

Quick Reference Survival Guide:
Section 1:
Dinner

What do you do if the wife leaves you with nothing but your wits and a note that says, "You're in charge of dinner tonight."

I know your first thought is, "What's in the freezer? Fish sticks, lasagna, waffles... I'm seriously debating just serving my kids ice cream for dinner... A scoop of vanilla ice cream, sprinkle of Cheerios and we're golden, right?!" Trust me, I was raised on this philosophy. I can't tell you how many fish sticks I ate as a kid, or Salisbury Steak and rice. But the one dinner my dad could whip up on the spot that had us kids cleaning our plates was BREAKFAST FOR DINNER.

I'm not talking about pancakes or waffles, not even french toast... Do you capitalize the "F" in french? I don't think it's been earned, so I'll go with no (stinkin' French). Digression aside, this meal is nothing to throw your blood, sweat and tears into. Don't frustrate yourself with endless mixing, dredging, pouring, burning, flipping, cursing and screaming; eventually ending with you throwing a frying pan across the kitchen.

Keep it simple and delicious. Grab eggs, veggies and cheese; chop veggies; scramble eggs; mix eggs and veggies; cook; top with cheese.


Section 2:
Fashion

I can't count the number of times I have been put in the situation where my wife asks me which outfit she should wear. "This one or this one?" is one of the most dreaded questions in the marriage gamut. Stone cold,  frozen in fear, mind racing, "What am I supposed to say... How do I choose... The red dress or the blue dress... red or blue... RED OR BLUE?!"

Husbands know this, "IT DOESN'T MATTER!" which ever outfit you pick she will find some reason to pick the one she really wanted.


Scenario 1: You pick the red dress, but she really wanted the blue. She'll find something wrong with the red dress and wear the blue anyways.

Scenario 2: You pick the red dress, and she really wanted to wear the red. She'll congratulate you on being a good judge of fashion and you'll feel awesome until the next time you have to pick out an outfit and this will happen all over again.

To save yourself the trouble don't think, just pick because she'll end up wearing the one she wants anyway. If she asks why you like the one you picked, escape plan Alpha* must be adhered to.

*Alpha: Just say, "Because it shows off how sexy you are, and all the other girls will be jealous."


Section 3:
Laundry

At some point in marriage you will be handed the most anxiety-ridden, dire, dreadful, and terrifying responsibility of doing the laundry. Let me tell you now that this is where all other survival tactics are thrown out the window, and if at all possible FAKE YOUR OWN DEATH! That is priority #1, if you can get a hold of a life-size replica dummy of yourself and have it readily accessible at all times in case this scenario presents itself. However if you can't get a life-size dummy replica you may want to read on.

There are worse things you can mess up in the laundry than the red sock with the white clothing. Trust me I have done them, and sadly I have done them more than once.

What I have learned in my small time living with a female who is very particular about fashion and her clothing is that each article of clothing has its own "washing instructions" completely apart from the ones listed on the tags... AND, everything changes once they're pregnant! Before I couldn't dry anything because it would make it too tight or too small, but once my wife was pregnant and wanted to show off her baby bump or the fact that maternity skinny-jeans aren't skinny enough, so I had to dry everything. So I went from drying nothing to drying everything, then after the baby, back to drying nothing. So take that 8 page instruction manual that your wife leaves you on how to do the laundry and use it to build a signal fire and in a few minutes I will air drop you this: my "laundry list."

Now, thanks to the (pun intended) wishy-washy laundry procedures around the house, I have 8 simple rules I follow (NO EXCEPTIONS, NO EXCUSES):


The first rule of Laundry Time is: Do not dry the laundry.
The second rule of Laundry Time is: DO NOT dry the laundry.
Rule 3: If the spin cycle stops, soap is gone, clothes are wet the laundry is done.
Rule 4: Only 2 towels per load.
Rule 5: Only one load at a time.
Rule 6: No wool, no shoes
Rule 7: Laundry will dry as long as it has to
Rule 8: If this is your first time at Laundry, you have to air dry.

I recommend using soap from the Paper Street Soap Co. for all your laundry needs.




Ending note: This is an on-going survival situation, and I will not let you down. This will be an on-going series so look for the next update with the next 3 tips.
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