AJ Teaters | 1 comment

The Rescue





I recently had the honor and privilege to sit down and talk with Travis Clark about his current project The Rescue with Invisible Children. We met up at an amazing coffee shop/ market café and talked about everything from Justin Bieber to tattoos to God. This is how it went:


25 to Life: How long has music been a part of your life?


Travis Clark: Hip Hop music has been in my life since I was in Jr. High. I remember getting my first rap C.D. in 8th grade and sitting there listening to it over and over and over, just memorizing the lyrics. Then that evolved into me writing my own songs, and it's just continued to grow since then.


25: When and how did you start your Hip Hop career?


TC: I started making cd's and doing shows my sophomore year of high school. My wife's stepdad actually opened up his studio for me to record, and that really opened up the door for me to start getting my music out there.


25: Did you ever think that your music could be used to save lives?


TC: Honestly at first, I didn't. I just wrote from the heart and about things that I've gone through. But then I started seeing that my experiences spoke to the lives of many people. You never really realize how powerful your music is until someone comes up to you and tells you how your music changed and/or saved their life. That's when it hit me, music is a powerful tool that can be used to impact different aspects of peoples lives.


25: When did you shift your focus to helping people in Africa?


TC: It started a couple years ago with the orphanage that I've been working to build in Kenya. I started learning about what was going on in Africa and all the needs. I didn't know what kind of change I could bring but I knew I could at least do something. 


25: How did you hear about Invisible Children and what made you want to work with them?  


TC: I've known about Invisible Children for a while. I've gone to a couple of their events, and I have always been blown away by their work. I have really wanted to work with them because they are a solid organization that I know and I trust. I, as well as they (Invisible Children), believe that we can put an end to this war in Africa.


25: What makes this project different from your previous projects? 


TC: This project is unique because every song is going to be inspired from the stories of this war in Africa. Some songs will come from the perspective of a child soldier wanting to return home, one song in the works is actually a song about Joseph Kony, the man behind the war. While other songs are going to be a challenge to join this battle and to fight for freedom. I've never heard a cd where each song is inspired from a specific cause, and I think that makes this album super unique and powerful.


25: Where do you get your inspiration from for your music and your passion for this cause? 


TC: I pull inspiration from a lot of different places. Musically I am inspired by many different artists, but 3 stick out the most. The first is Eminem, because he is a lyrical genius. I don't agree with the raps he does that are dark or violent, but he does have power behind his words. Tupac, of course. I remember when I bought his book of poetry, and I just sat and read it over and over again. Really thinking about it, T-Bone helped me out a lot too. He was one of the first legit Christian rappers. My passion...  Not trying to give you the Sunday School answer, but I really am inspired by the life of Jesus. He fought for justice, He loved the outcasts. I think if Jesus walked this earth today that he would fight for those that are "invisible" to the rest of us. His life inspires me to do the same and to use what I have to offer to replicate that same kind of love for others


25: I'm going to steal a bit from "Inside the Actors Studio" and ask you the 10 questions that James Lipton got from Bernard Pivot. (To save on time I'll go over 5 of the 10)
  1. What is your favorite word? Touché
  2. What is your least favorite word? Cat!
  3. What sound or noise do you love? A box fan
  4. What profession would you not like to do? Accountant (I think I saw him shudder when he said this.)
  5. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? Well done. 

After all was said and done I was convicted by this cause. Travis is a remarkable person who is using his talents to connect people to greater purpose; a purpose of hope, justice and freedom. Invisible Children needs people, and not just people like Travis (who can drop killer rhymes, and fill you with emotion while smacking you with some knowledge) but everyday people to help bring change. If nothing else go to The Rescue Home Page, donate, and join the fight to help bring freedom to children that only know the word because it was taken from them. 


Travis has a goal to raise a minimum of $4000 to raise awareness about this war, and get this project off the ground and running. The $4000 will cover:

  • Full album production from top-of the-line producer, Mustafa.
  • The first order of CD's.
  • A nationally-distributed professional music video about this war we're fighting.
  • All promotional and marketing materials for The Rescue informing people how they can get involved and rally around this powerful cause.
*All donations that come in over and above our $4000 budget will go straight to Invisible Children.

So let's step out and take a stand against this war. Even the smallest donation will help this cause, and have the possibility to save a child the horror of being forced into slavery to kill his fellow man. Visit The Rescue, join the fight and become part of The Coalition.



Travis Clark was born in 1986 and raised in Mesa AZ. Along with being a rapper, he is a Young Adult Pastor in Mesa AZ. He's been married to the love of his life, Jena for 5 years. He is passionate about justice and speaking up for those who can't speak for themselves. To learn more about Travis and listen to his music, you can check out his blog at http://hellotravis.com.

AJ Teaters | 1 comment

Under Construction


First let me apologize to my numerous* readers. I am sorry for not being able to have an updated blog post for you as I should. I am currently enrolled as a Masters of Professional Counseling student, and I have recently been more engrossed and thus unavailable to write than usual. I had to shift my focus from putting out the highest quality blog on the internet to putting out the highest quality research paper and presentation for my Social and Cultural Issues in Counseling class (and studying for my Techniques and Therapy for Marriage and Family final which is 75 questions).

Please know that I have many ideas in the works, and my next full blog post will be about a man and his mission to use music to bring freedom to children in Uganda from the LRA. This project is called The Rescue (check it out); it will be SCRUMTRULESCENT! After that I have a few post ideas: Part 2 of the Quick Thinking Husbands Survival Guide, Justin Beiber, Your "but" matters, 3 types of students, and why my baby is a secret ninja. Rest assured there is good stuff to come.

Check back on the 21st for my next post, and thanks again for taking part in my passion.

-AJ

*numerous is defined, in this post, as any group of people that is greater than 2
AJ Teaters | 1 comment

Human Sex Trafficking


Hopefully you're speechless because you NEED to listen to what I have to say. I don't normally get up on my soap-box about issues that are as powerful, significant and compelling as this. Obviously, if you have read my last few blog posts they were about 4-square, dating and little kid body odor. So I think it's sufficient to say that this topic must hold a high level of importance to me for me to be talking about it.

Being a Phoenix resident, and having spent most of my teenage and adult life living in the Phoenix Metropolitan area this information shocked me. I had no idea that Phoenix was a city where minor sex trafficking would be an issue, and not just an issue but a powerfully overwhelming issue. "The exact number of children being exploited through prostitution, pornography, and sexual performance in Arizona is impossible to determine because no agency or organization has specifically focused on data collection to document the problem. However, it is reasonable to assert that Arizona's developed highway system, warm climate, high tourist and snowbird population, and wealth of convention centers and sports stadiums attract buyers and traffickers alike, making Arizona a target for domestic minor sex trafficking," (http://www.sharedhope.org/Portals/0/Documents/ArizonaRA.pdf, pg.10)

This is an issue that is not usually a topic of dinner conversations, Christmas parties or something you have to get your team to guess at charades, but this IS a topic that needs to be discussed. First read the 10 Quick Facts About Child Sex Slavery and educate yourself before you read on.


"Most commonly, young people who end up under the control of a pimp have come from abusive homes and have run away. They are lured into a relationship with someone who claims he will care for them and love them.

At some point, the tables are turned and the "protector" becomes abusive and forces the girl to sell herself on the streets or through internet ads. The young lady believes that the money she earns will create a better life for the two of them. Between threats to her and her family, psychological manipulation, and physical force, she has been beaten down enough that she will comply, becoming more deeply entrenched in a vicious cycle of abuse, lies, rapes, and every kind of demeaning sexual acts.

Sometimes, a child or teen will be forcibly abducted from home or school or even a friend's house. Such a victim may not be as emotionally needy to begin with, but the perpetrator will still use the same methods for breaking her down to get her to comply with prostituting herself.

Paige [the girl depicted in the video above] was 16 was she was abducted and forced into the world of sex trafficking. She was still wanted by her mother who worked hard to get her back home and into a treatment center. However, the pimp's hold on her was stronger and more insistent, so Paige went back with him to a tragic end.

There are minimally another 100,000 girls like Paige, and some boys, in the United States who are brutally enslaved to be raped for profit repeatedly on a daily basis. The statistics are overwhelming, and the unseen faces and unheard voices of these children are screaming out for help. No child deserves to be abused. No child deserves to be treated like an old rag that is used over and over and finally thrown in the trash. No child deserves to be brutalized and ripped apart emotionally by being a sexual toy for the most perverse of fantasies," (http://streetlightusa.org/the-story).

So, before you jump out of your chair and run out the door and scream this injustice from the hilltops and hamlets of the world, educate yourself again. Learn how to be the best and most valuable tool in this fight. What should you do to get involved?

  1. Visit Streetlight USA website: for information about the issue, the history and the story behind this organization.
  2. Become a modern day abolitionist: Take a stand and become involved in making a change you want to see happen. Become a Modern Day Abolitionist
  3. Do work: use your voice [tell people about this cause to fight this injustice], use the resources available [hand out information to friends, family, neighbors, colleagues, etc. or request a speaker to come talk about this issue], DONATE [time (volunteer), money, furniture, supplies, etc.] Various Ways To Give

Hopefully this has lit a fire inside your heart, a fire that will eventually consume and burn down this injustice. Let's take a stand, voice the cause and hold fast to this thought, "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by the yoke of slavery," (Galatians 5:1).
AJ Teaters | 2 comments

Fight for Fight Club

                       Contest:

Win a free *signed* copy of Fight Club.


                    The Process:

  1. Go to my Facebook Fan Page
  2. Like my Page
  3. Refer your friends to my page
  4. Have your friends like my page and leave a comment on the wall with your name.
  5. The fan with the most comments after 2 weeks will win the *signed* copy of Fight Club.


Chuck Palahniuk is hands down my favorite author of all time. He had been writing for 6 years (that's 5 novels) before I discovered his genius. The only reason I even found out about him was because of the movie Fight Club. I finished watching it for the 2nd time when I actually paid attention to the credits. If you have ever seen Fight Club, after the 1st time you are too in AWE to do anything for a while (the credits just roll and all you do is try not to drool too much). Nevertheless, the second time watching, one of the first lines to hit the screen at the end of the movie reads, "Based on the novel by Chuck Palahniuk," this caught my attention; one because I couldn't believe this crazy movie was a book, and two because I love to read crazy books!

I am Jack's never ending love of literature.

I immediately found a copy of Fight Club and immersed myself into Chuck's world. It was a break-neck, take no prisoners, take-it-or-leave-it type of world. A world where unrestrained human emotion is written with vivid description, emotion you can taste. Chuck Palahniuk is able to take a side of humanity that is constantly present, yet never discussed and turn it into a story with characters more real than those tears you cried when you lost your fist love to a flesh eating bacteria. No? Am I the only one that happened to?! Regardless, he writes 'real-life' real well. I have never looked back, I have read everything he has written previously and put out since.

Fight Club:
"This is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time," (Chapter 3).

Honest, raw and ballsy, nuff said. You really shouldn't need more than that shining endorsement from me to run out and buy this book and not put it down until you have read it from cover to cover. This book gives you a true look at what it means to be alive, what life would resemble if you acted on every and all impulses. This story is an existential ride that can only be compared to an elevator falling down a 30 story shaft and killing a large group of the cutest bunnies you have ever seen. Pain is pleasure and pleasure is pain.  Fight Club is a constant reminder that to comprehend life you have to consciously forfeit everything. This book doesn't give the reader a moment to breathe between the characters complete self destruction and complete self discovery.

We are never formally introduced to the main character, we can only refer to him as 'the narrator' which only adds to the inherent mystery of self discovery seen in this novel. We are, however, introduced to Tyler Durden; he is primal, masculine, arrogant, self-pleasing, self-defeating and impulsive. Tyler Durden is the epitome of the male ego, but Chuck is such an amazing writer that he found a way to create a character that anyone (men or women) can relate to. I can only explain this by the fact that human beings share a commonality in primal urges, and Tyler Durden is the ultimate representation of Freud's id from Freud's schema of psyche. Fight the system, fight your world, fight for freedom from yourself. Just remember if you dare join, "Only in death are we no longer part of Project Mayhem," (Chapter 28).


This is the only time I will disregard the first 2 rules of Fight Club and tell you to TALK ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!
AJ Teaters | 6 comments

Rules to Live By

I have been a teacher for almost 5 years now and for the entirety of this time ONE thing has bothered me more than anything else. I have developed the BIGGEST pet-peeve of my whole life simply from working with students ages 5-12. You would think it was something huge like irresponsibility or disrespect, possibly theft or apathy (trust me apathy is second to this)... However most all of these pail in comparison to the #1.

Made up 4-Square rules!

It honestly frustrates me to no end. Hearing these kids rattle off rules that make no sense to actually playing the game (list will follow). It seems less like a game of 4-square and more like a imagination/creative writing contest. Here is a list of all the "rules" I have heard over the past 4 1/4 years:

4-Square Rules (listed in no particular order):
  1. Aces
  2. Fisties
  3. Key lock
  4. 10 second ninjas
  5. Cherry bombs
  6. Shoe shiner
  7. Electric chair
  8. Double Hits
  9. 2 second holds
  10. Snake eyes
  11. *Water slides
  12. *Batman and Robin
  13. *Stamps
  14. *Claps
  15. *Holidays
  16. *Bouncies
  17. *Gummies
  18. *Spits
  19. *Tweakers
  20. *Bahama Mamas
  21. *William Tell
  22. *Helicopter
  23. *Dragon Claw
  24. *Merlins Beard
  25. *BBQ Sauce
  26. *Telephone
  27. *Credit Card
Then it got weird:
  1. **Debt Ceiling
  2. **Head Shots
  3. **Porn Stars
  4. **Opium Den
  5. **One-Night Stands
  6. **JFK Assassination
  7. **Holocaust
* = Strange
** = Outrageously weird

Once the 1st graders started calling out "Porn Stars" and "Holocaust" I had to put a stop to the insanity! To tell you the truth, all the ones with asterisks I've never actually heard... but I wouldn't be surprised if I did one day! If you asked me to tell you what a Bahama Mama is I couldn't tell you (even if it were real to begin with). And this is my point, these rules are so crazy and bizarre that it doesn't matter that I can't keep up because I don't play with those rules.

Kids nowadays have no sense of history, and if it takes teaching them the original rules to 4-square to instill some heritage into their otherwise insignificant lives then I will carry that torch!

The scariest thing about this whole phenomenon is what I experienced just a year ago.

I was scheduled for recess duty (watching to make sure none of the little angels killed each other) on one of the first days of school when I happened to over hear the rules of a 4 square game being recited to a group of 3rd graders. The boy who was in the "king" position rattled off like 5 or 6 rules, "No cherry bombs, snake eyes or fisties, holds and double hits are allowed, and king can't get out on serve." The reason that this otherwise normal event caught my attention was because I knew that there were "new kids" playing and I was interested to see how they questioned what these "rules" were. To my immediate and bewildered amazement the "new kids" didn't question the "rules" they were told. THEY KNEW THE RULES! It was like some crazy religious cult or a fruity hippie commune (They were all drinking the kool-aid). I have been to other schools and witnessed the same thing... Teachers and parents be forewarned; keep a vigilant watch over this infectious mindset. If we don't instill a foundation of classic playground game rules, the catastrophic possibilities are endless!

Example:
Dr. Ray Stantz: What he means is Old Testament, Mr. Mayor, real wrath of God type stuff.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Exactly.
Dr. Ray Stantz: Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies! Rivers and seas boiling!
Dr. Egon Spengler: Forty years of darkness! Earthquakes, volcanoes...
Winston Zeddemore: The dead rising from the grave!
Dr. Peter Venkman: Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together... mass hysteria! 

(I've been waiting to use a Ghostbusters reference for a while now... But honestly, when is Ghostbusters not applicable to real-life situations?!)

I can't describe the shock, this went from epidemic to pandemic in a matter of a few short words over the course of a few short seconds! Regardless of the insurmountable circumstances, of overcoming this widespread horror I will take up the torch of slaying this infectious tribulation! Who's with me?!
AJ Teaters | 3 comments

3 Things: Thing 3

I remember a time, not too long ago when boys and girls were allowed to talk to each other without fear of being labeled "a couple".

I have a dream where this is a possibility again. I have a dream where teenage boys and teenage girls will not be pressured into an unnecessary relationship. I have a dream where relationship status updates will have a "dating" option. I have a dream where peer pressure, perception and society will not rule the relationships of our Tweens and Teens. I have a dream that this fine nation will one day see the abolishment of co-dependent, no-dependent alliances between boys and girls. I have a dream that "dating" will one day resurface as a time where people get to know each other and not a time where others define their relationship for them. I HAVE A DREAM!

Where did this come from? Recently I have noticed that like-minded teens are throwing around a very 19th century term, "courting". First let me preface this with the fact that I'm not that old, regardless of what the teenagers say. I remember when (yeah that made me sound old, but is there a better way to produce a flashback in writing) I was in high school I "dated" girls, (I also walked to school uphill... both ways... in the snow... without shoes... while rabid neighborhood dogs chewed off my toes... carrying a huge metal pole during a lightning storm... yes it can lightning during a snow storm... then I had to cross a bed of hot coals to enter all my classrooms... my teachers would scald us with hot tar if we answered a question wrong... whilst sticking rocks in our mouths to help us with our pronunciation...) nevertheless I "dated" girls. My whole concept of dating was to get to know girls that I found attractive for whatever reason I did (physical, intellectual, personality, etc.) What I was looking for were things that I found desireable, not necessarily looking for someone I was going to marry, but looking for characteristics that I would want in someone that I would marry.


This is the major difference I see in courtship and dating:

Courtship:
If you're going to court you might as well dress the part
  1. strictly supervised by a parent or approved chaperone at all times
  2. speaking is limited to correspondence
  3. high collars and long dresses
  4. positioning a your fan the right way (Funny Post for further fan flirting reading)
  5. lacking trust
Dating:
  1. unsupervised time to get to know the 'real' person
  2. speaking can be done in person, text, phone, facebook, twitter, tumblr (not MySpace, that's where all the whores are!)
  3. normal clothes
  4. no fans
  5. parental trust
I can see why there is such a giant swing back to courtship, a few too many teenage pregnancies will sour anybody's punch bowl, but if kids nowadays actually "dated" they would be better off. All I know is that the common perception associated with dating is this conversation:

Moron teenager 1: "Hey did you hear Xander and Bella are dating?"

Moron teenager 2: "Really?! I knew they liked each other, but now they're together?"

Moron teenager 1: "Yep, totally and exclusively each others. They're both off the market."

Moron teenager 2: "Huh... Wonder what they're gonna name their kids?"

Teenagers are already under the impression that they are in a committed "adult" relationship because they used the word dating, therefore they can handle everything that goes along with that type of relationship. Obviously the only thing that comes to mind is  
 SEX
So what we need is a better value associated with dating. It's not meant to be an orgy of sex, drugs and rock n' roll. From my understanding it's supposed to be a time where 2 people can get to know each other without the piano of marriage hanging over their heads.

  
STOP HATING ON DATING.



AJ Teaters | 2 comments

3 Things: Thing 2

My last post introduced a series that I was going to write on called "3 Things" each thing I was going to talk about caught my attention some way or another in the past few weeks. The first was the crazy resemblance of Vortex Beer Bottles and Twisted Pleasure Condoms. Why a marketing department would want an inherently manly product to have such a strong phallic persona is still beyond my comprehension. The second thing that has recently peeked my interest is what I refer to as "The Sickly Sweetness".

I am a 6th grade teacher, so I am around all kinds of stink for at least 8 hours a day on a 5 day a week basis. Also, let's not forget that I am a dad of 3 (an almost 4 year-old, an almost 3 year-old and an 8 month old) so I am pretty much living in some type of situational stink for 12-14 hours everyday. It's no wonder I keep my desk surrounded by enough air fresheners to supply a NY cabbie for a year. Semantics aside, all I know is that those little kids don't smell anywhere as bad as one would think, but WHY?!


I was walking down the hallway that houses our school bathrooms when a grip (that's somewhere between 15-20, I can never keep track of them long enough to get an accurate head count) kindergarteners were standing, as patiently as they could, waiting to use the bathroom. I think I have to preface this with the fact that these lil' biscuits just came in from recess; running around in the 100+ degree heat, playing tether-ball, tag, and 4-square. They were drenched, head-to-toe, one of those "did they just run through the sprinklers" looks. At this point I wished that I had a bubble to crawl into, one of those inflatable "nothing-in/nothing-out" type of deals. They were so close, their little sweaty hands reaching out to me, their egocentric heads shaking their sweat drenched hair spraying beads of perspiration all over EVERYTHING! But I noticed something... They didn't stink! Well they did, but not in the way I thought.


Little kid B.O. was "Sickly Sweet" it was like someone had shoved candy under their armpits. I can't explain the phenomenon, it just is. It's like a mystery of nature, something that only Dan Brown could write about and Robert Langdon could solve. I don't know why I never noticed it before, I have 2 toddler boys that do nothing but find ways to make themselves sweaty. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I walk past sweaty little kids and want to lick them or top my ice-cream sundae with them (This ain't Grimm's Fairy Tales), but I think it does have to be noted that kids smell like they came straight out of Willy Wonka's factory when they get sweaty. Like some insane Oompa Loompa filled their sweat glands with candy, come on Willy Wonka had crazier ideas...


It may just be me but it begs the question, "What do you think little kid B.O. smells like?"
AJ Teaters | No comment yet

3 Things

There are a lot of things in the world that I don't understand; quantum physics, women and what exactly a tootsie roll is (to name a few), but recently there have been 3 that I have wanted to discuss.

  1. Why a beer bottle looks like a condom
  2. Little kid B.O.
  3. Where did "dating" go?

Thing 1:
Recently I've been watching this new invention called "television" and I've noticed that in-between the shows there are these moving advertisements called "commercials"... Seriously though, I've been seeing commercials lately that make me say, "Why did they [insert company name here] need to do that?!" a few examples: 5 blades on a razor (that also vibrates), (the epitome of lazy) wheeled backpacks, (the one I still haven't figured out the reason for, except maybe its a feature on Ford's new "stalker package") Facebook status updates in a car. But I can excuse all those products in loo of the most recent conundrum, the Vortex Beer Bottle. As far as I know beer is a product that, for it's existence, has been marketed toward males (predominantly). So for what reason would you (marketing department) need to "improve" on the already perfect form of a beer bottle, and make it look like a recently developed pleasure inducing condom?!


Exhibit A:



Exhibit B:



Exhibit C:



Therefore A + B = C (where C = GAY!)

Putting a beer bottle to your lips (as a man) is already border-line homosexual. I still haven't figured out a masculine way to drink anything out of a bottle, use a straw or eat a banana. To quote a recent movie "Will you take that straw out of your mouth? It looks like you have a schlautzen in your mouth." Seriously guys get a glass and pour it; don't put this beer bottle to your lips!

I'll keep this short, I'm sure some of you have to run out and buy a beer mug soon, Miller Brewing Company WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?! Condoms and Beer go together... but not like this!
AJ Teaters | 2 comments

The Quick Thinking Husbands Survival Guide: Part 1

From the beginning of history wives have been giving their husbands responsibilities that THE WORLD knows they should not be given. There is no escape, as a husband you have to be thrust into situations where you have no idea what to do. I am part of the MacGyver generation, and I try to embody his instinctive thinking. The only way to survive is to have a plan, recognize the situation and use your resources.

What I have recently devised is a quick reference survival guide for husbands. It's a way to help you when you are in those desperate times when your wife puts you into an impossible scenario. Your mouth goes dry, your palms start to sweat and all hope seems lost... Lock & Load!

Quick Reference Survival Guide:
Section 1:
Dinner

What do you do if the wife leaves you with nothing but your wits and a note that says, "You're in charge of dinner tonight."

I know your first thought is, "What's in the freezer? Fish sticks, lasagna, waffles... I'm seriously debating just serving my kids ice cream for dinner... A scoop of vanilla ice cream, sprinkle of Cheerios and we're golden, right?!" Trust me, I was raised on this philosophy. I can't tell you how many fish sticks I ate as a kid, or Salisbury Steak and rice. But the one dinner my dad could whip up on the spot that had us kids cleaning our plates was BREAKFAST FOR DINNER.

I'm not talking about pancakes or waffles, not even french toast... Do you capitalize the "F" in french? I don't think it's been earned, so I'll go with no (stinkin' French). Digression aside, this meal is nothing to throw your blood, sweat and tears into. Don't frustrate yourself with endless mixing, dredging, pouring, burning, flipping, cursing and screaming; eventually ending with you throwing a frying pan across the kitchen.

Keep it simple and delicious. Grab eggs, veggies and cheese; chop veggies; scramble eggs; mix eggs and veggies; cook; top with cheese.


Section 2:
Fashion

I can't count the number of times I have been put in the situation where my wife asks me which outfit she should wear. "This one or this one?" is one of the most dreaded questions in the marriage gamut. Stone cold,  frozen in fear, mind racing, "What am I supposed to say... How do I choose... The red dress or the blue dress... red or blue... RED OR BLUE?!"

Husbands know this, "IT DOESN'T MATTER!" which ever outfit you pick she will find some reason to pick the one she really wanted.


Scenario 1: You pick the red dress, but she really wanted the blue. She'll find something wrong with the red dress and wear the blue anyways.

Scenario 2: You pick the red dress, and she really wanted to wear the red. She'll congratulate you on being a good judge of fashion and you'll feel awesome until the next time you have to pick out an outfit and this will happen all over again.

To save yourself the trouble don't think, just pick because she'll end up wearing the one she wants anyway. If she asks why you like the one you picked, escape plan Alpha* must be adhered to.

*Alpha: Just say, "Because it shows off how sexy you are, and all the other girls will be jealous."


Section 3:
Laundry

At some point in marriage you will be handed the most anxiety-ridden, dire, dreadful, and terrifying responsibility of doing the laundry. Let me tell you now that this is where all other survival tactics are thrown out the window, and if at all possible FAKE YOUR OWN DEATH! That is priority #1, if you can get a hold of a life-size replica dummy of yourself and have it readily accessible at all times in case this scenario presents itself. However if you can't get a life-size dummy replica you may want to read on.

There are worse things you can mess up in the laundry than the red sock with the white clothing. Trust me I have done them, and sadly I have done them more than once.

What I have learned in my small time living with a female who is very particular about fashion and her clothing is that each article of clothing has its own "washing instructions" completely apart from the ones listed on the tags... AND, everything changes once they're pregnant! Before I couldn't dry anything because it would make it too tight or too small, but once my wife was pregnant and wanted to show off her baby bump or the fact that maternity skinny-jeans aren't skinny enough, so I had to dry everything. So I went from drying nothing to drying everything, then after the baby, back to drying nothing. So take that 8 page instruction manual that your wife leaves you on how to do the laundry and use it to build a signal fire and in a few minutes I will air drop you this: my "laundry list."

Now, thanks to the (pun intended) wishy-washy laundry procedures around the house, I have 8 simple rules I follow (NO EXCEPTIONS, NO EXCUSES):


The first rule of Laundry Time is: Do not dry the laundry.
The second rule of Laundry Time is: DO NOT dry the laundry.
Rule 3: If the spin cycle stops, soap is gone, clothes are wet the laundry is done.
Rule 4: Only 2 towels per load.
Rule 5: Only one load at a time.
Rule 6: No wool, no shoes
Rule 7: Laundry will dry as long as it has to
Rule 8: If this is your first time at Laundry, you have to air dry.

I recommend using soap from the Paper Street Soap Co. for all your laundry needs.




Ending note: This is an on-going survival situation, and I will not let you down. This will be an on-going series so look for the next update with the next 3 tips.
AJ Teaters | 1 comment

Professional Professonals Practicing Their Professions

On a recent trip to California I was driving down a street in Westminster and I couldn't help but stare at all the odd signs (mostly because I was going through a small section of the town that is almost primarily made up of Vietnamese restaurants). Before I continue I think I have to address the elephant in the post... Yes I said I was driving, and yes I know that wasn't a good choice to stare at signs whilst driving (it was for the sake of comedy people!). So here I am driving down the road trying to phonetically pronounce all the Vietnamese restaurant names (some favorites were: Cafe Dang Sucks, Pho Thang Long, Co La, Pholicious, Photastic, and as an FYI "Pho" is phonetically pronounced "Fuh")

As a quick aside, some names that I would like to see (if they're not out there already) are: Pho Sho, Pho Shizzle, Elmer Phod, Mo Pho and I pity the Pho.

I'm veering a little this way and that when I see a sign that really caught my attention. The sign simply read, "Professional Pharmacy". After seeing this I simply thought, "Who would want to go into an 'Amateur Pharamcy'?!" That got me thinking, there are just some jobs that you DO NOT want the word "amateur" in front of.

Listed in no particular order below are, "Jobs that are NOT okay to have the word 'AMATEUR' in front of":

Tattoo Artist
  • At no point do I want an amateur permanently drawing something on my body. It could turn out like these:
 
Teacher
  • Just imagine you get to your child's Open House and the teacher hands you his/her business card and it says:


Mechanic
  • A conversation you do not want to be a part of:
You:
"My car has been making this funny clunking sound when I go faster than 50 mph, can you take a look at it and see what's wrong?"

Mechanic:
"Sure, you want me to check your radiation fluid and how well your terminator is keeping your battery charged too?"
Dentist
  • Seeing the dentist take a hit of the "laughing gas" is the last thing you want to be thinking about before he/she starts drilling.

Financial Advisor
  • If you walk up to your Advisors office and see this:


Proctologist
  • I doubt I need to elaborate on this one. If a proctologist says, "I don't know heads from tails," and doesn't mean it as a joke you may want to ask for a referral.

I will leave you with this simple nugget of wisdom on this subject:

The word "amateur" is for a hobby (i.e. artist, comedian, hunter, gambler, etc. it's okay to be an amateur in these subjects), however if you study something and make it your "profession" then you being a "professional" is implied. I don't need to know you're a professional doctor or a professional lawyer, I can safely assume that you are. This coming from an amateur blogger...
    AJ Teaters | 5 comments

    10 T-Shirts 40+ Year Old Men Should Not Wear

    I have recently come to the conclusion that there are some t-shirts 40+ year old men should not wear. I know there are many different articles of clothing that 40+ year old men should not wear, I think those are implied and/or readily known (i.e. cut off shorts, skinny jeans, anything with glitter or rhinestones, leather pants, a collared shirt that has more than 2 buttons undone, a low cut v-neck shirt, socks with sandals, [of course] Speedos, etc.) Obviously that is just a small sample of a list that can take days to compile, however notice that when the thought of "what 40+ year old men should not wear" comes up we have at least 5-7 articles of clothing that we can easily rattle off like a list of our favorite movies or food. However the quintessential article of clothing hanging or folded in any middle-aged mans closet is the T-Shirt. This is a staple of any 40+ year old mans wardrobe; I would dare to say a necessity to daily life, like oxygen or their Maxim Magazine subscription. But here comes the twist, there are some t-shirts (1) a 40+ year old man should not own, and more importantly (2) SHOULD NOT WEAR! Refer to the list of examples and explanations:

    10. Any t-shirt that has to do with ANGRY BIRDS. All this shirt does is scream I pay more attention to my smart phone than trying to get a date. *Ding* your match.com app just sent you a message, you better pause ANGRY BIRDS and check it out.


    9. Any t-shirt that has to do with farting or pooping. We know that you may be proud and secure with your bodily functions at your age, but we're not. I'm glad you're not constipated, I just would rather you not put it on your t-shirt. (I'm most impressed that the fart t-shirt comes in 21 colours!)


    8. Any t-shirt that has to do with STDs. Regardless if it's the best seafood you have ever had in your life, it never warrants buying and wearing a t-shirt that makes people think you have an STD.

     

    7. Stud Muffin or "I Brought Sexy Back". Let's just leave it at, if you have to declare this on your shirt you aren't and you didn't.


    6. "Lick 'em Don't Bite 'em". I know that this is a common reference to Blow Pops, but what 40+ year old man still eats Blow Pops?! The last thought I want in my mind is thinking about what he wants licked and not bit, because we all know it ain't a Blow Pop!


    5. T-shirts with text talk on them. OMG! its bad enuf that u try 2 txt like a tween, u dont have 2 promo it on ur T 2! I bet u dont even no what it means n e ways.


    4. "That's What She Said!" If you're old enough to say, "Adam West was the best Batman because he was the ORIGINAL; he was OG!" You aren't allowed to say, "That's what she said!" You're also not allowed to wear a t-shirt that says it either. And don't say "OG" either, even if you know what it means.


    3. "Who's Your Daddy?" Do I even need to explain why a 40+ year old man should not own, wear or even have the thought cross his mind about buying this t-shirt? 4 words: TO CATCH A PREDATOR!


    2. "Beer Pong King". First and foremost let me try and let you down easy, YOU'RE NOT IN HIGH SCHOOL OR COLLEGE ANYMORE! Second, at what point did you think it a good idea to advertise your love of high school/frat party drinking games and alcohol? The one thing this t-shirt screams louder than AA is DUI!


    1. "The Man, The Legend". There is a short list of 40+ year old men allowed to wear this t-shirt: Hugh Hefner, Ron Jeremy and Bill Clinton. If you are not on this list, then you don't get to wear this t-shirt... Simple enough.


    Regardless of whether or not this information will be put to good use, it's out there. Tell your friends, tell your dads and tell your friends' dads!

    AJ Teaters | No comment yet

    Cat Burrito

    A question was recently posed to me, by myself, after visiting a tiny (I'm talking like 3 booths and a table) Mexican food establishment, and both figuratively and literally inhaling one of the most delicious burritos I have ever had. I say literally because I accidentally swallowed a bean whole and gagged myself about half way through gorging myself on this Tortilla wrapped manna from heaven! It was like Moses himself came down and used his staff to strike this restaurant, and had God produce this food for me in my time of need! Seriously people it was a religious experience, closest I have ever come to God, Jesus spoke to me and I was given the gift of eating in tongues. That's the gift when you can taste every ingredient in every bite (that may not be biblical, but it should be) . Let's just say that if Jesus ate this burrito he would've wept (that is biblical, John 11:35*)


    *It's said (in some commentary's) that Jesus wept to show his piety and sympathy to those who had just lost a loved one, but if I use the context of my burrito situation; Jesus and I would be weeping together over the ferociously amazing awesomeness of this burrito.


    Sorry for the digression, but you really need to understand how good this burrito was to understand my thought process. So, whilst eating this burrito* (I'm just going to put an asterisk by the word burrito to denote BEST BURRITO EVER for the rest of the this post). A very VERY random thought popped into my head. I thought, "I know they said this was pork, but what if it was cat meat?! It totally could be, and I would have no idea... Would I still eat it if it were cat?" I thought about it for a second, took another delicious bite of cat or pork or whatever it was, and then answered my own question, "YES, YES I WOULD!"

    • If I ate that burrito* and didn't know it was cat, and then was given another... I would eat it.
    • If I ate that burrito* and didn't know it was cat, I would order them for all my friends and make them eat them, wait until they were done and then tell them it was cat!
    • If I ate that burrito* and didn't know it was cat, and then found out it was cat; I would make a t-shirt that says, "I <3 Cat Burritos" and not wear it as a joke.
    • If I ate that burrito* and didn't know it was cat, I would order it again (and call it by it's true name "El Gato Magnifico")
    This all being said (and my apparent new "cat-burrito" eating persona) the big question is, "Why do bad things entice people?" Things like: food so good you don't care what it's made from, movies like Howard the Duck or Battlefield Earth, watching Golf and/or tennis, or Stephanie Meyers books. I chalk it up to the "car accident phenomenon". We do it because we can't look away.
    AJ Teaters | No comment yet

    Thank You For Reminding Me Why I Became a Protestant

    Let me start off by stating that I grew up Catholic. My parents grew up Catholic and I’m pretty sure my parents’ parents grew up Catholic. I think it’s sufficient to say that since I grew up Catholic, I didn’t know anything about religion or the rules of the Catholic Church... or the Bible. If you thought that was just a stereotype of Catholicism, it’s not. I went to Sunday school, I had my Confirmation, but I can honestly say I knew nothing about Catholicism, except they kept asking me for money, their leaders kept getting caught touching little boys, and that I could do pretty much whatever I wanted as long as I went to confession and said a few Hail Marys and Our Fathers (Then I was under the assumption that I was completely absolved of all my sins). Add to that I was 17 and trying to find my own identity, so I left... On second thought, why did I leave? I had a pretty good deal working there!


    This is all being said because a few Fridays ago, I was overtly reminded why I became a Protestant. By the way, Protestantism isn’t a religion. Technically it’s every religion that ISN’T Catholicism. Being a Protestant just means that you chose a different religion that Catholicism, hence the word ‘protest’ in Protestant. It means protesting the Catholic churches teaching, thank you Martin Luther… just a little nugget of random information for ya. It really had nothing to do with money, theology, education or molestation; actually it was the constant shame and guilt that was thrust (no pun intended) down on top of you from the leaders of the church. I honestly think that while someone is studying to become a priest of the Catholic Church there are specific courses in seminary that teach an up-and-coming priest how to be demeaning, belittling, degrading, humiliating and disgracing toward everyone that isn’t them.


    The Story:


    A few Fridays ago I was a second camera-man for a wedding. Shameless plug warning: If you want amazing photographs for any occasion (Wedding, Engagement, Anniversary, Pregnancy, New Baby, Family Photo Shoot, etc. [we'll travel, Jesse Medina I'm looking at you!]) contact Raw Canvas Photography [link]. The wedding was a traditional Catholic wedding which coincidentally enough was being held in a traditional Catholic church. I was told before the service that I couldn’t wear my hat in the Church, which reluctantly (mostly because of my hair, and only because of the couple that was getting married) I obliged. After the ceremony was over I exited the church to the foyer, promptly grabbed my hat and placed it back to its proper place atop my head. I was taking pictures of the receiving line and the guests exiting the church, once all the guests were outside the bride and groom asked if we could get some shots of them signing their marriage license. We followed them back into the sanctuary where we were greeted by the priest who performed the ceremony; well I should say everyone else was greeted but me. The priest had very specific words for me:


    Priest: Only women, Jews and Bishops are allowed to wear a hat inside the church, do you fit into any of these categories?


    About half way through this sentence I realized I was wearing my hat and quickly removed it and placed it on the nearest pew. The whole time I had every expletive blowing up in my head, because I knew I had just disrespected THE CATHOLIC CHURCH. History tells us that people have been killed for lesser transgressions against The Catholic Church. I was sweating bullets, plus I couldn’t tell if he (the priest) was trying to be funny or not. So I held back the comment I really wanted to say, “Actually I’m a Transsexual Hasidic Bishop, technically I should be wearing 3 hats!”


    Me: I’m sorry. No sir, I don’t.


    AS SOON AS THOSE WORDS LEFT MY MOUTH, I knew I was in for it. Being a seasoned Catholic veteran I had just forgot to say the ‘magic word’.


    Priest: No, father.


    Me: (tail between my legs) father.


    I was waiting for him to pull out a yard stick from his robes and start hacking away at my knuckles for such insubordination. How many Hail Marys’ and Our Fathers was I in for, I was ready for him to ask God to strike me down right then and there… Luckily if I was struck by lightning I was surrounded by holy water, so hopefully someone would act quickly and put out the flames. However nothing more was said, but nothing more needed to be said. The priest had made his point and I was cowering below him, just as the Catholic Church wants. If that’s not an innuendo, I don’t know what is.


    As crazy as it sounds this small 4 line conversation made me so thankful that I am never obligated to step foot into a Catholic church again. The meaning behind the words was unmistakable for me. I know that priests are to be respected and somewhat revered, but the fact remained that Catholics are Christians and I doubt this is what Christ would’ve said to me. There was no mercy or grace given in these words, and it made me feel shameful and guilty for what I had done. What HAD I done? I accidentally forgot that I was wearing a hat where I wasn’t supposed to, based on a churches rules that I may not have even known to begin with. It’s not like they were posting their rules like speed limit signs all over the foyer and the sanctuary. How would I have known? Thanks for the love Catholicism, I really feel it. I don’t like to make excuses, but I really wasn’t thinking about it, and this priest had to not only point out my mistake but parade me around like a fool.


    Maybe I can buy an indulgence, or wrangle up thousands of my friends to go and kill off anyone who doesn’t believe what the Catholic Church teaches, or go to law school to become a defense attorney to fight all the molestation law suits against the Catholic Church, maybe that will help me make up for my mistake… but I’m not one to point out others mistakes.


    I think I am going to make some pins and pass them out that say “I <3 Protestants” and make a shirt with Jesus standing in a boat with a very unruly sea around him and under the picture say “I rock the boat.” Let’s not forget that we are all going to live under one roof someday… $100,000 question: What would you have done?

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